Wednesday, 01 October 2008

• Sad

  Tonight was a sad night for me.  It was the last night of me and the FORCE.  We told the kidos goodbye.  I was doing just doing okay, then Luke came in.  I was so happy to see him, then all my old FORCE memories clouded my brain.  He was one of my first youth at PBBC.  One of my babies.  I hugged him and for some reason I just didn't want to let go.  I wish that I could have hugged zack like that the last time I saw him. 

  After the lesson I did something stupid.  A couple of kidos, (I was molding them to be the next Dami, RAjenn, were pretty upset.  I didn't know what to say...at first some wierd emotion of me being mad at them for crying came over me.  I thought, they've been through so much worse than this...they shouldn't be crying..I said the first thing that came to my head.  Guys, its gonna be okay, its not like we are dead or anything...oops..regretted it as I said it.  I made ashley more upset...  I apologized later.  I felt awful.  But, I thought it would make them feel better if they knew i would be back, i would visit.  But in reality...distance gets further and further.  My birdies were gonna visit often, and they have more than i thought.  But lives change, get busy and go in different circles.  NO matter what, I need, I want my FORCErs to know...I love them...I wanted to stay with them.  It was not my choice to leave. 

  It's not Joel's fault either really.  Even though its easier to blame him.  I can see it so clearly that God wants us in this place for some reason.  First he gave Joel this job.  Placed (well sorta, we paid a lot for it) this house in our hands, slapped me in the face with this job.  Now we've found a church we think we can call home.  There's acutally folks there our age, hard to find nowadays.  Dacie even likes the potties there.  I should be thanking God for making it so clear.  But it hasn't always been so clear. We prayed, cried, discussed, cussed (well discussed loudly) over this for sometime.  Waldron has been a difficult change.  More difficult than leaving home, moving away to college, starting my first teaching job.  Mainly because I was so comfortable at Oden.  I felt like I had one big family, community. 

  Pray for the Pencil Bluff Baptist Youth group.  They lost their pastor of many years, and his awesome family, our Zack, and now us.  We can be replaced much easier than the others, and they will see this.  But they are still hurting. 

  Question?  at what point do you let go of the past and look to the future?

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